What cost a Creepy Porn Lawyer?

There is nothing more exhilarating than a good ringside punch-up and the most entertaining example of the present season is a bun-fight playing out between Fox news presenter, Tucker Carlson, and Democratic Presidential hopeful, Michael Avenatti. Described by Stormy Daniels as a ‘gorgeous’, ‘super charming’, ‘pretty boy’ with ‘ridiculous blue eyes’, Avenatti is regarded by his detractors as an insane and hideous Fu Manchu who ruthlessly exploits vulnerable clients in order to advance his political ambitions. Carlson’s fans meanwhile hail their hero as a ‘cute’ and ‘very reasonable’ person, while his numerous enemies lay night-time siege to his home in Washington DC shouting words like ‘fascist’, ‘bigot’ and ‘scumbag’ from his front garden as his wife trembles for fear in the food cupboard.

Both Avenatti and Carlson are labeled ‘racist’ by their enemies, but that is quite normal in America where the noun, once defined as ‘a person whose words or actions display prejudice or discrimination on grounds of race’, is nowadays widely used to mean ‘anyone who disagrees on any subject’. The new norm is for each side in an American dispute to open proceedings by ritually calling the opposing team ‘racist’, ‘misogynist’, ‘homophobic’ etc., in much the same way as a Japanese Sumo wrestler bows to his opponent before trying to shove him roughly and with all his might off the dohyo.

The row between Carlson and Avenatti began when Carlson called Avenatti ‘Creepy Porn Lawyer’ (or ‘CPL’ for short) on his Fox show. Avenatti, who told Stormy Daniels that he ‘fell in love with her as a client’ at their first meeting, returned fire on Carlson describing him as an ‘entirely unprofessional’ ‘pig’ and a ‘hack’ on some other channel. When the two eventually came together for a head-to-head on what Avenatti afterwards described as Carlson’s ‘clown show’, it was impossible to judge which of the two won the day because neither would yield to the other and the resulting cacophony was as baffling as the amplified noise of two bulls undergoing simultaneous castration through a loud hailer. The only intelligible message was conveyed through lower screen chyrons upon which questions kept coming up: ‘Does America Want Creepy Porn Lawyer as Pres?’ and ‘Stormy’s Lawyer as Creepy Porn President?’ Carlson got the last word: ‘Creepy porn lawyer, great to see you.’

Avenatti has risen to fame by representing prominent left-leaning plaintiffs against the President and his Republican entourage. Most famously he encouraged Stormy Daniels to sue Donald Trump for libeling her on Twitter. That case, which was thrown out of court, is said to have cost his client upwards of $300,000. It would be interesting to know how much a porn actress is paid for her work, but I can well imagine that after tax and other deductions, she will need to romp with at least 300 naked pornographers, striking a minimum of four embarrassing Kama Sutra positions with each, before she is able to foot such a colossal bill.

Another of Avenatti’s recent disasters was allowing his client, Julie Swetnick, to offer potentially false testimony against Brett Kavanaugh for alleged sexual misconduct, an action which inspired Senate Judiciary Chairman, Chuck Grassley, to refer both her and her lawyer to the Justice Department for criminal investigation. Swetnick, a public servant whose work has something to do with computers, will now have to hire an alternative legal team to defend herself and put in thousands of hours of overtime to pay for it.

The next fool, soon I expect to be parted from his money, is one Juan Manuel Granados, an Argentinian artist, who is alleged to have called the Fox presenter’s 19-year-old daughter ‘Tucker Carlson’s whore’ and other unspeakable things during an unprovoked attack at a restaurant in Charlottesville, Virginia. Miss Carlson’s father and brother rose to her defense and Granados was escorted from the building. Opportunist, Avenatti, quickly jumped into the ruckus offering to represent Granados at law against Carlson, whom he accused on Twitter of being a lying, racist, homophobe for remonstrating with his daughter’s assailant, who is – yes, you’ve guessed it – ‘a proud gay member of the Latino community and also an immigrant.’ I would estimate that when CPL is done with his client, the ‘proud gay Latino immigrant’ will be out of pocket to the tune of around $40,000. I don’t know how much Granados wants for each of his canvasses of little white shapes fastidiously placed upon tasteful gray backgrounds, but expect he will have to shift at least 8,000 of them to cover the expenses that will be incurred by his infelicitous associations with Tucker Carlson’s daughter and that ‘gorgeous’ creepy porn lawyer, Michael Avenatti.