Is the Musk-Zuckerberg cage match off?

It may not come as a great surprise to readers that Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg will not, in fact, be having a cage fight with one another. Ever since Musk had posted on Twitter (now known as X) in June that he was interested in battling the Meta tycoon, only for Zuckerberg to reply “send me locations,” the saga has turned from a typically absurd piece of Muskian humor to a story that has oscillated between what has seemed like a serious piece of corporate warfare and utter silliness.

There was never any serious doubt that Musk would have come off a poor second to Zuckerberg had the fight taken place. In the initial challenge, the fifty-two-year-old entrepreneur was self-deprecating about his pugilistic abilities, writing “I have this great move that I call ‘The Walrus,’ where I just lie on top of my opponent & do nothing.” He also observed that “I almost never work out, except for picking up my kids & throwing them in the air.” This sits in contrast to the Facebook founder, a committed mixed martial arts expert who has won more than one jiu-jitsu contest. The obvious dig that Zuckerberg has only fought junior members of his staff, who would not dare to beat him, is amusing but in this case untrue. 

Nonetheless, the story gathered legs, and the most recent — and perhaps most bizarre — development was that Musk had supposedly obtained permission for the two men to battle in what he called “the most epic location in the world,” namely the Colosseum in Rome. In what would surely have been the most picturesque mismatch since Russell Crowe took up Joaquin Phoenix at the end of Gladiator, it was suggested as recently as a couple of days ago that Musk would take on Zuckerberg at the historic venue, something brokered by the Italian Ministry for Culture, and that the whole shebang would be live-streamed on both Meta and Twitter. Had it come off, it would have surely been both spectacular and unmissable. 

Yet now apparently the fight is off. Zuckerberg posted a message on Threads saying “I think we can all agree Elon isn’t serious and it’s time to move on. I offered a real date. Dana White (UFC boss) offered to make this a legit competition for charity. Elon won’t confirm a date, then says he needs surgery, and now asks to do a practice round in my backyard instead.” He concluded “If Elon ever gets serious about a real date and official event, he knows how to reach me. Otherwise, time to move on. I’m going to focus on competing with people who take the sport seriously.” Musk responded, typically, that “Zuck is a chicken” and stated, of his opponent, “He can’t eat at chic fil a [sic] because that would be cannibalism.” He concluded by saying “can’t wait to bang on his door tomorrow.”

This seems to represent an end to one of 2023’s most bizarre media stories. It has played up to caricatures of both men — of Musk as a slightly deranged prankster, making grandiose claims and statements that he is either unwilling or unable to follow up on, and of Zuckerberg as intense, humorless and goal-driven. 

Neither has left this furore with their reputation undented, but at least they have avoided the reputational — and real — cuts and bruises that the fight would undoubtedly have caused. And who knows, maybe this very highest-class of bum fights may yet take place, in some unlikely location. If it does, we’ll all be the winners.