It’s Hot Divorced World Leader Summer!

Are you a NATO member, single and ready to mingle? Following former Finnish prime minister Sanna Marin’s split from her husband of nineteen years, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau announced, via a heartbreaking Instagram post, that he and his wife Sophie were set to separate. Rumors that two of the world’s most photogenic leaders could shack up appear to be jumping the gun — but Cockburn is somewhat curious that Sophie, a close pal of Meghan Markle’s from her Suits-taping days in Toronto, is set to ditch her powerful hubby.

Needless to say, the leaders of Finland and Canada could have existed in marital bliss had they only considered the very French option of marrying your schoolteacher, as Monsier le President Macron did…

Jared Kushner’s uncle donated to… Chris Christie?!

Recent FEC filings offer a peek into what’s actually going on with the Republican presidential primary. Donald Trump continues to dominate the small-dollar side of things, with an indictment seemingly every week helping to fuel his coffers — much of which have been spent on exhaustive legal fees.

While the well may eventually run dry, there’s no indication that will happen any time soon. “As long as he’s still able to convince people this is a political prosecution and he keeps getting small dollars, he’ll win,” a veteran GOP fundraiser told Cockburn.

Yet Ron DeSantis clearly has the money to hang around. Robert Bigelow, the alien-seeking billionaire who would “go without food” to help DeSantis, gave an astonishing $20 million to the governor’s Never Back Down super PAC.

One candidate who has demonstrated surprising strength is Chris Christie, perhaps because, the GOP fundraiser noted, the expectations were lower than the floor for the ex-New Jersey governor, who boasts horrendously low approval ratings with Republican voters. Nevertheless, Christie has raked in checks from a wide coalition of donors, ranging from NeverTrumpers such as former Trump comms guru Anthony Scaramucci and George Conway, to Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper and radio personality Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, to more interesting donors like Jared Kushner’s uncle, Murray. (Christie jailed Kushner’s father Charles, Murray’s brother. Some families…)

On the Democratic side, Biden is currently outsourcing much of his campaign to dark money groups tied to the Democrats’ dark money behemoth, Arabella Advisors. As Biden’s health continues to be an issue, term-limited California governor Gavin Newsom hovers in the wings, amassing over 125,000 donors between his constellation of organizations that certainly looks like a presidential campaign in waiting to Cockburn.

By Cockburn’s calculations, Newsom has over three times the number of donors required to reach the GOP debate stage. Maybe he’ll share some of them with Mike Pence?

Gretchen Whitmer’s biggest fans

The New Yorker just ran a lovely profile marking Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer out as a star of the Democratic Party with presidential potential in the next few election cycles. But GOP sources who spoke to the New Yorker for the piece told Cockburn that they feel misled about the tenor of the piece. The sources said the author, Benjamin Wallace-Wells, sold the article as an honest look at Whitmer’s shortcomings, alongside the acknowledgment that she hadn’t really been tested yet on the national stage. Wells would supposedly seek to bring up anything that didn’t get attention during her 2018 race that should have. Instead, the piece neglected to mention allegations that she was weak on prosecuting pervert gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar, a police report suggesting Whitmer was involved in a DUI accident while leaving a wine festival, or that she flouted her own Covid-19 restrictions. There was nary a word of skepticism about Whitmer’s political odds in the article: all were left on the cutting-room floor. The bigger question though: what are the Democrats planning for her? It’s the second puff piece in a matter of weeks…

Rude Boy Rudy

It’s been a rough week for Rudy Giuliani, or as Special Counsel Jack Smith now calls him, “Co-Conspirator 1.” America’s Mayor was sued for sexual harassment earlier this year by Noelle Dunphy, a former staffer at his firm. After denying everything and smearing Dunphy, she and her lawyer provided the following video recordings of Giuliani, transcripts of which were made public this week:

On Noelle Dunphy: “Come here, big tits. Come here, big tits. Your tits belong to me. Give them to me [indiscernible]. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. These are my tits.”

On Matt Damon: “Matt Damon is a fag. Matt Damon is also 5’2”. Eyes are blue. Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.”

On Jewish men: “Jewish men have small cocks because they can’t use them after they get married. Whereas the Italians use them all their lives so they get bigger.”

On the Jews generally: “[They] want to go through that freaking Passover all the time. [They should] get over the Passover because it was 3,000 years ago. OK, the Red Sea parted. Big deal. Not the first time that happened.”

Those last two seem to be the most damaging to Rudy’s reputation. Thankfully for him, a writer over at the Jewish Chronicle thinks he has the makings of “one of the funniest Jewish comedians of all time.

“Close your eyes,” writes Josh Kaplan. “Imagine Jackie Mason saying that, or Woody Allen, or even Larry David. It would not sound amiss from the mouth of any old New York Jewish comedian. I pride myself on being able to separate the art from the artist. And sadly, that’s art.”

Time to follow in the footsteps of Elizabeth Taylor and convert, Mr. Mayor. Mazel tov!