Headlines of the coming year

This article is in

 The Spectator’s December 2019 US edition. Subscribe here.

January to March

‘Caucasians Are The Best’ Remark By Biden At Iowa Caucus Renews Concerns Over Age

Declaring An ‘End To These Endless Security Agreements,’ Trump Tweet Announces US Will Withdraw From Nato
‘Why Do We Need To Defend Germany? Did They Defend Us At Normandy? NINE!’

New Whistleblower Bombshell: $391 Million Military Aid To Ukraine Conditioned On Start Of Construction Of Trump Tower Kiev

Trump Tweet Hints At Displeasure With Lawyer ‘Rudy Is A Great Guy But He Is Making Trump Look Evil And Should Stop Going On TV NOW!!!’

April to June

On Eve Of Indictment For ‘Injurious Punditry,’ Giuliani Flees US For London, Straining Already Frazzled ‘Special Relationship’

Rudy Giuliani Now Living in Julian Assange’s Former Rooms At Ecuadorian Embassy In London

Reversing Course, US Will Not Seek To Extradite Rudy Giuliani
Barr: Indictment Was ‘Just A Ploy’ To Get Him To Leave The Country

Tubman Descendants Dispute Warren’s Claim To Be Closely Related To Famed Abolitionist

Encouraged By Response To His ‘Freedom Dividend,’ Yang Ups Monthly Stipend To $10,000 Per Month

Poll: Majority Of Dems ‘Really Like’ Buttigieg But Struggle To Pronounce His ‘Odd’ Surname
Fear A Buttigieg/Klobuchar Ticket Risks Sounding ‘Extraterrestial’

Bernie Sanders Proposes Abolishing Private Property; Tells Crowd Of Cheering But Confused Supporters: ‘Look, It Worked In The Soviet Union. Why Not Here?’

Evangelical Pastors Hail Archaeological Discovery Of New Gospel Said To Quote Jesus Approving Extreme Wealth, Jailing Migrants And Third Marriages

July to September

Addressing Concerns Over Private Property Abolition Plan, Sanders Exempts Main Residences And Two Vacation Homes
Auto, Jewelry, Gun and Yacht Ownership Also ‘Under Review’

Annoyed By Nation’s Continued Reverence For McCain, Trump Orders Navy To Scrap Destroyer Named For Him
Metal To Be ‘Re-Purposed’ As Material For Border Wall

Pence Admits To ‘Youthful Dalliance’ With Satanism; Says Black Masses, Goat Sacrifice, Drinking Blood And Plowing Pentagram Crop Circles On Tractors Was ‘Pretty Much Normal’ Among Indiana Teens

Tweaking Her Medicare-For-All Plan, Warren Says Canada Will Pay For It

Senate Republicans Acquit Trump Along Party Lines; GOP Senators Say They Had To Balance ‘Mountainous Evidence Of High Criminality’ Against Risk Of Annoying Voters Back Home

October to December

Warren Modifies Her Plan To Ban Fracking; Under New Plan, Fracking Will Be Allowed

Trump Opens Fire At Crowd On Fifth Avenue To Prove He Can Shoot People With Impunity
Majority Of Wounded Decline To Press Charges, Citing ‘Huge Honor’ Of Being Gunned Down

As Russian Tanks Clank Toward Kiev Ukrainian Prosecutor Indicts Hunter Biden For Unspecified ‘Crimes Against Humanity’
Trump OK’s Supplemental Military Aid

At Request Of Ukraine, Interpol Issues ‘Red Notice’ On Fugitive Hunter Biden

Majority Of Americans Report ‘Suicidal Inclinations’ Over Having To Choose Between Trump And Warren

Former NY Mayor Bloomberg Purchases Electoral College; Move Seen As Indication He Might Be Reconsidering Run

US To Lease Property To Russian Military Intelligence; Surplus Warehouses Will House GRU’s Vast Troll Farms In Key Battleground States During Run-Up To 2020 Election
Stateside Locations Will Make Interfering ‘More Efficient’
Putin Hails ‘Historic Cooperation’ Between US And Russia

Giuliani Complains Of Overcrowding As He Is Joined By Fugitive Hunter Biden In Assange Suite At Ecuadorian Embassy

This article is in The Spectator’s December 2019 US edition. Subscribe here.