The Halloween costumes guaranteed to get you fired this year

Cockburn has had some stellar Halloween costumes over the years… but the world is no longer what was. Thanks to political correctness, social media and your HR department, an outfit that’s viewed to be in poor taste could now result in your cancellation and dismissal. Maybe you’re looking to make a change at work — if so, here are some Halloween costumes that will help you unleash your inner Justin Trudeau and leave your employer no option…

Candace Owens and Kanye ‘Ye’ West

The real power couple of the latter half of 2022! This one is guaranteed to get you canceled. Ye’s appalling “White Lives Matter” T-shirts are a bit pricey — fortunately there is a knock-off version. Candace-style wig available here. Not required for a Kanye costume this year: any Adidas, Balenciaga, any Kardashians…

Pete Davidson

SKETE! While Cockburn is tremendously popular with the ladies, other gents need some help to punch well above their weight category. Fellas: the missing ingredient is Pete Davidson’s teeth.

GI Jada and Will Smith (and Chris Rock)

Another cute couple’s costume alert! If you want to go as Hollywood’s most controversial pair, dress yourself up as GI Jada Pinkett-Smith (bald cap, soldier gear) and soyboy Will (tux, somehow an Oscar). Throuples can add in Chris Rock as needed. Prepare to be slapped.

Zombie Queen Elizabeth

After watching the “statey funes” last month, perhaps you want to pay further respect by dressing up as the Queen. Why not spruce it up a bit by combining with this number and make her a Zombie Queen? (There are several reasons why to not do this.)

Zombie Joe Biden

The best way to liven 46 up… pop out of this five-foot inflatable coffin. Get your mask here and a men’s zombie suit, to combine with a navy suit and blue tie.

Hunter Biden’s M&Ms

Because we’ve all seen that video. A wonderful group outfit. If these shirts sell out, go as his TV remote.

Convict Paul Pelosi

This Halloween you can go as Paul Pelosi driving under the influence, after the husband of the House Speaker crashed in May in California’s wine country. He was sentenced to five days in jail and three years of probation. Customize with a steering wheel and a bottle of Cab.

The versatile outfit also works for Ghislaine Maxwell, Brittney Griner, Harvey Weinstein, Derek Chauvin…

Nancy Pelosi’s ta-tas

If it’s a couple’s costume you’re after, take inspiration from the House Speaker’s beach attire this summer. A sure-fire way to give people nightmares this Halloween. What a lovely pair you’ll make.

Nancy Pelosi’s surgeon

There’s three of you? Problem solved.

Sydney Sweeney and her conservative family members

The young Euphoria actress was mobbed online after attending her mom’s sixtieth birthday party. Her family were wearing parody MAGA hats emblazoned with the message “MAKE SIXTY GREAT AGAIN.” Accompany with these Blue Lives Matter wristbands and some boots. And for Sydney, go for Cassie’s iconic Oklahoma!-style dress from season 2. Cockburn thinks he could pull this off.

Unvaccinated Novak Djokovic

To channel your inner Djokovic get some tennis gear (his preferred brand is currently Lacoste), a racquet and print out some memes about the WEF and mind control. Remember not to smile — and force yourself through a mandatory quarantine period before leaving the house.

Deshaun Watson on the massage table

Hands where I can see them! The disgraced NFL quarterback is currently serving an eleven-game ban following multiple accusations of attempting to pressure masseuses into sex acts. He is swatting down lawsuits during his time on the sideline. Table here, Browns shirt here, towel optional.

A JustStopOil protester

Blue, unwashed hair, soup, glue, priceless art, audacity and pockets stuffed full of Getty cash

Uncle John Festerman

Combine this beloved Addams Family character with his doppelgänger on the Pennsylvania campaign trail. You need a robe, a Carhartt sweater, a bald cap and plummeting poll numbers.

Volodymyr Zelensky

How to get the war leader look? Green-gray T-shirt, combat pants, a green screen ready for Vogue shoots and TV hits and… a wheelbarrow for Western cash.