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Western men are getting into “beauty.” “Now it’s men’s turn to hog the bathroom,” reports the Times, as spending increases 77 percent year on year. Beauty industry types argue that all men should want to look more groomed, even Anglo-Saxons. What’s wrong with some light fluffing up here, a bit of patching up there?
It’s a lucrative business and celebrities are, of course, cashing in. Harry Styles flogs nail varnish; Idris Elba’s skincare line S’Able is “powered by modern science.” Even Richard E. Grant has a range of smellies, “an exploration of his lifelong love affair with scent.” It’s a long way from Marwood scrubbing essence of petunia into his boots to cover up the odor of lighter-fluid-induced vomit.
Fake tan has a distinct biscuity smell that most women will be able to identify
Times change and so must we. But the impression I get is that some men — coming to all these elixirs a bit later in life than most women — could do with a few pointers. It is easy to veer from the fresh-faced into the peculiar.
Hair: A note on hair dye. It can be obvious when a man starts dying his hair using equipment bought in a chemist. It comes out a flat, uniform color, which looks unconvincing. The trick, as most women know, is to ask a hairdresser for highlights which hide the gray much better. The effect should be more Monet landscape than Yves Klein monochrome. It is worth noting, too, that gray hair on men looks dignified.
If your hair is falling out, ads insist a trip to Turkey is the best course of action, to have hair harvested from other parts of the body and replanted into the scalp. I am struck by how frequently I hear men (even young men) talking about following in Wayne Rooney’s path. Hair implants may result in thicker hair but be prepared to answer questions about the miracle.
Teeth: Whitening treatments are commonplace, as are invisible braces. Neither are particularly perilous from an aesthetic point of view. There is only so much to be done with what nature provides. More disturbing is the fashion for filing teeth down into vampiric points, after which crowns are attached. Again, Turkey has somehow cornered the market for this treatment, which is known as “Turkey teeth.” When drastically renovating a smile, pick the color of the false teeth carefully. White is not just white. It comes in multiple shades. If teeth look milkier than a baby’s first milks, they will alarm people. Pick up a Farrow and Ball chart for reference. Teeth naturally tend more towards “Clunch” than “All White.” Bear this in mind.
Nails: Learn how to look after your nails at home: trim and file. The nail salon is a sacred women-only space. Do not enter it. It is unnerving to encounter a man in a salon, aside from the friendly south Asian men who often work there. Women do not visit barber shops out of a similar sense of propriety.
Skin: It is fine to cover one’s face in unctions. The truth is that they will not do much to change one’s appearance but might help lift the spirits. Skin will feel plumper, but the effect will be fleeting.
What will change a person’s appearance more permanently is a tweakment: Botox, fillers, face lifts etc. A word of warning here. The promise is that these procedures turn back time. The reality is that when a middle-aged man pumps his weathered face full of filler, it doesn’t make him look twenty-one again; instead, rubberized, overinflated lightbulb cheeks simply give the impression of a mid-life crisis well under way.
Makeup: The beauty industry is trying to convince men it is normal to wear makeup. “For men, makeup is increasingly becoming one of the most powerful tools for bold self-expression,” says Vogue. Approach makeup with caution. It is usually obvious when men wear makeup and while there is nothing wrong with it, it is certainly a “look.” Steer clear of foundation, which is skin-colored gloop promising to make your face look radiant. It is already hard enough to get right on a face that isn’t peppered with stubble. Donald Trump is not scared by foundation. His orange face has become a powerful tool for bold self-expression.
Tanning: Neither is the former president shy when it comes to using fake tan. Its use need not be quite as bombastic as his; it can be done with some subtlety. Remember fake tan has a distinct biscuity smell that most women will be able to identify immediately.
Scent: Speaking of smell, just as it is offensive when a woman marinates herself in enough scent to suffocate a room, the same is true for men. Do not dismiss the smell of soap, which is more enticing than 98 percent of aftershaves and has not yet, as far as I am aware, been bottled by any of the big perfumiers.
Body hair: Men have removed their hair for almost as long as women have. In many ways, they are better versed in the subject. That said, overly enthusiastic depilation can be startling when encountered in close quarters. A man I went to university with was known for removing all his body hair using hair removal cream. This is not the sort of reputation you want following you around in life. A little hair is no bad thing.
Sunscreen: If there is only one beauty tip you take away from this column, which I hope has been helpful, it should be this: wear sunscreen. The sun is the real enemy, followed closely by the beauty industry.
This article was originally published in The Spectator’s UK magazine. Subscribe to the World edition here.
