Lessons for young daters from the Jonah Hill saga

There was a viral tweet last year that read, “do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam?” The answer is a resounding yes. As bad as regular modern dating is, it’s that much worse for celebrities.

In early June, actor Jonah Hill had a baby with his girlfriend Olivia Millar. About a month later, seemingly out of nowhere, his ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady posted screenshots of text messages from Hill from back when they were dating, accusing him of emotional abuse. Hill has moved on but twenty-six-year-old Brady has quite clearly been unwilling and unable to do so.

The couple met when the actor slid into the direct messages of the surfer on Instagram, striking up a conversation. When their courtship officially began, Hill began making demands of what kind of content she could have posted, and the relationships she could pursue.

Over the course of the #MeToo movement, the definition of abuse became… fuzzy. The framework for talking about emotions has evolved and become egotistical and rewards people assuming a victimhood mentality.

There are a lot of reasons why modern dating is such a mess — and the Jonah Hill saga is a pretty good case study in how relationships can go wrong.

There are at least five lessons that every young dater can learn from Sarah and Jonah:

1. Don’t communicate via text message, especially not when the stakes are high or when the issue is sensitive and requires nuance. Pick up the phone, or better yet, have a real conversation face to face where you can read each other’s facial expressions and body language
2. Don’t go out with someone you don’t want to date, don’t date someone you don’t want to marry. Jonah had every right to have standards in place for who he wanted to be with; but his ex-girlfriend’s behavior didn’t appear out of the blue. He saw the kind of content she posted and the kind of life she led. If he didn’t feel comfortable being with a woman with unstable female friends, male friends or posting scantily clad swimsuit photos online, he should have left well enough alone and not become involved with her in the first place
3. Know the definition of abuse and don’t misuse it. Jonah may have been a jerk, but there is nothing that I have seen that his ex-girlfriend has posted that constitutes abuse. Abuse is a serious accusation and one that shouldn’t be made lightly. Every unpleasant experience isn’t trauma and every unpleasant person isn’t abusive
4. When a relationship is over, move on. It appears that their relationship broke off over two years ago, and yet, Brady is fixated on Hill and his new life, even going so far as to post about his new baby. Even now, several days past the initial screenshots were posted, she’s still posting screenshots of respectful and clear text messages from Hill to cease discussing him on her social media

It’s not a good look for Brady, nor will her behavior do her any favors now or in the future.

When I was still in the dating pool, the first thing I did when I broke up with a guy was unfollow him and all of his friends on social media; I found that repeated reminders of him and our break-up were hindering my ability to move on. It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong; all that matters is your ability to move past the relationship.

In every job interview, the biggest piece of advice I give is to be careful how you discuss your previous jobs. If you sit there and talk about how your boss was a jerk or a narcissist, your potential new boss will sit there and wonder, “What will s/he say about me when interviewing for the next job?” This advice translates for the dating market, as well. What you put out into the world and to potential future mates about your past love interests reflects on you; and fair or not, any potential future partner of Brady’s will wonder if she’ll give them the Jonah Hill treatment if and when they break up.

And that bad wrap extends past dating; because text message anyone ever sends Sarah Brady again, the sender will keep in mind she might, if she’s feeling vindictive enough, post a screenshot.

The lesson from Sarah Brady and Jonah Hill is a learning opportunity for all of Generations Y and Z. You can’t control how people treat you or even how or why a relationship deteriorates. But you can and must take responsibility for your own actions and your own responses to situations. That’s not a message being sent by the mental health establishment, who talk about “speaking your truth” and encourage people to marinate in “self-love.” You can do that, but only if you wish to remain bitter and single, as Sarah Brady appears to be on track to do.